It is important to understand that an eating disorder is not only a problem, but also an attempted solution. Restricting, binge eating, purging, and exercise all can be ways to cope with very intense or painful feelings. Because of this, eating disorder symptoms cannot be taken away abruptly, but need to be let go of gradually, as the underlying issues are addressed and new coping skills are put into place.
Eating disorders can be very scary for friends. It is helpful to accept your limitations. It is important to recognize that you don’t have power over whether or not someone gets well, eats, or stops bingeing. You do not have control over another person’s choices about their body. However, you can express your concern (“I am very worried about you.”). You can let another trusted adult know your concerns (a resident advisor, dean, or counselor). You can offer to help your friend find professional help. You can go to a first appointment to be moral support in the waiting room.
Once your friend has a treatment team (a therapist, a nutritionist, a medical doctor, and possibly a psychiatrist), let the team focus on monitoring and treating the eating disorder. Try not to discuss food, weight, or calories with your friend. Be especially careful not to get into the role of “food police” as this will set up a power struggle which will only prolong recovery.
When your friend is getting better, it is important not to comment on weight gain or weight loss. Try hard not to focus on appearances at all but rather how she is feeling or what is going on in her life. Listen, listen, and then listen some more. Often friends and family worry that listening is not enough, but it is one of the most helpful things you can do as a support person.
Supporting someone in recovery from an eating disorder can be hard work! It is OK to feel angry, scared, or disappointed. It is often helpful for friends and family to seek out professional support for themselves if they are feeling overwhelmed by the situation.